


How Different am I

by Pilaf



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 18:01:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15442734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pilaf/pseuds/Pilaf
Summary: Piccolo realizes that although Namekians subsist on water, he can still eat and digest human food. This makes him wonder how different he is from other species when it comes to mating. He asks the Z Warriors for advice on the birds and the bees. EXTREME awkwardness ensues.





	1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is just a silly little fic exploring the concept of how it would go if Namekians did have a sexuality despite vomiting eggs, but Piccolo/Jr. never knowing about it because of his isolation from others of his species. Besides that extremely non-canon viewpoint, I tried to keep everything else as close to series canon as possible. This story takes place right after the ToP in Super's timeline.**

It was a beautiful, sunny day at the Capsule Corp building. The scenic view from the second floor of the enormous, white-domed complex was the envy of all of West City. A set of large tables was set out, lined with an assortment of exotic delicacies. King crab legs as long as one's forearm, glazed ham, sushi and sashimi, curry, even dishes made out of the local dinosaurs were on display at the large banquet. Bulma threw a party for her friends to celebrate the birth of her daughter, Bulla. Although the celebrations had to be put on hold for longer than she anticipated, she had the party planned well in advance and not even the threat of intergalactic erasure was enough to stop her. All of her friends were there, even Goku, who was notorious for his spotty attendance at such gatherings. 

Cradling her sleeping baby, Bulma cast a sidelong glance at her husband. Vegeta was silently stuffing his face, sitting alone at the table farthest from everyone. Bulma smirked as she remembered Vegeta's reaction when she requested he join the party; he was vehemently against the idea until he learned what food was going to be there. 

Bulma ambled over to her husband and gently nudged his shoulder with her elbow. 

"Even the most sullen of Saiyans can be dragged out of hiding with the right motivation, eh?" Bulma asked Vegeta playfully.

"Fmff omph wffmn!" Vegeta snapped back with his mouth full.

Bulma just laughed and walked off, still cradling Bulla. For all of his bluster, she knew he was having a good time. 

Goku and Chi-Chi sat some distance away, the Saiyan's long-suffering wife watching her husband clear plates at a record pace. After minutes of constant gorging Goku suddenly stopped eating, setting down a large drumstick. Chi-Chi's eyes studied her husband's face, noticing his eyes bulge. In one swift, fluid motion she got up and began to pound hard on Goku's back.

"Goku, chew! Chew before swallowing, you oaf! I swear" Chi-Chi complained as Goku choked his food down with her help, frantically gulping down a glass of water afterwards. She was so used to him stuffing too much food down his throat that she was able to stop him before he could truly start to choke with an almost supernatural speed.

Beerus glared at Goku, he and Whis sitting close by. 

"Would you look at those table manners?! Absolutely disgusting" Beerus sniffed, before dumping an entire sashimi plate into his mouth in one gulp and licking his claws. 

Whis himself nearly choked from stifling laughter at the God of Destruction while chewing his own food. 

"...Indeed, Lord Beerus" the angel managed to say after a few seconds, unable to hide his smirk.

Gohan watched Goku eat from his own nearby table, laughing sheepishly at his father's antics. He was perhaps the only person with Saiyan blood present who didn't set upon his meal like a hyena on a wildebeest. Videl, having finished her meal, used her arsenal of baby toys to play with her child Pan. She had become a professional at keeping Pan content and occupied while in public, as she hated the idea of disturbing anyone with her baby's crying. 

"I'd love to see Bulla some more and talk with Bulma one-on-one... but she's just so busy right now!" Videl said, shaking a rattle gently with one hand as she cradled Pan in the other. "Maybe later." 

"Aw, you know how cool Bulma is" Gohan responded. "she'd be happy to talk to you any time!"

Videl chuckled, both parents beaming at the child cradled in her arm. She was happy that Bulla would be close to Pan's age - they'd make perfect playmates someday.

Piccolo sat across from Gohan, chewing his food thoughtfully. As he lifted a piece of chicken to his mouth, he suddenly felt a strange compulsion to study his food. He looked at the piece of white meat, eyes narrowing. Namekians did not naturally eat; they got all of their nutrients from water exclusively. And yet here he was, able to eat Earthling meals without becoming horribly sick. The worst side effect he had ever experienced was heartburn, yet he should realistically be unable to handle any food at all. It fascinated him. Gohan raised an eyebrow at his old friend, noting how he was examining his food with unusual intensity.

"Uh, is the food ok?" Gohan inquired.

Piccolo looked up, startled.

"Oh, fine! It's...just fine" the Namekian responded, self-consciously popping the chicken piece he was staring at into his mouth. 

"Heh, if you didn't want it I'd say just give it to Goku!" Krillin piped up. "It wouldn't go to waste that way. Guy's a bottomless pit!"

"Speaking of 'going to waste', before we leave pack up EVERYTHING that's ours" Android 18 half-whispered into her husband's ear. "We don't get a chance to eat like this every day, you know! Not on your salary." 

"Heh... ain't it the truth." Krillin replied self-consciously, rubbing the back of his head with one hand while laughing at his wife's comment.

Later that evening, everyone had eaten their fill and prepared to go home. Piccolo went with Gohan and Videl, baby Pan nestled in one of his large, green arms. Pan's parents had both allowed themselves to indulge in a little alcohol, knowing that Piccolo was willing to help them put Pan to bed that night. The two swayed and laughed as they exited Capsule Corp and walked down the street, clearly drunk. After walking a short distance to avoid the "air traffic" from taking off at the same time as everyone else at Capsule Corp., all three leapt into the air and flew home. Gohan and Videl weaved and bobbed through the sky erratically, too drunk to fly straight. Piccolo shook his head as he cradled Pan and glided behind them at a much smoother pace; he was glad they didn't drive to Bulma's house.

After arriving home, Gohan and Videl began to walk towards their bedroom. The pair giggled like schoolchildren, Gohan's arm draped over Videl's shoulder. They turned to kiss each other when Videl leaned in, gently nibbling Gohan's bottom lip and flashing him a devilish smirk. Gohan raised an eyebrow before hungrily returning the kiss. The two continued to embrace, holding each other tighter and leaning into the kiss. Videl grabbed Gohan's hair as they kissed while his hands slid down to her ass, gripping it firmly. He then realized what they were doing and paused, breaking away from their embrace to walk over to Piccolo.

"Uh, Mr. Piccolo?" Gohan slurred. "I'm sorry, I hate to impose upon you but... could you keep an eye on Pan for just a little while longer?"

Piccolo looked at Gohan, then Videl. He made a face.

"No problem", the Namekian muttered.

Gohan bowed deeply in response. "Thanks so much!" He then returned to Videl's side, and the two continued to their bedroom and closed the door.

Not long after, Piccolo sensed Gohan's ki rising. It began to fluctuate wildly, before it suddenly merged with Videl's fainter, but still noticeable ki presence. Piccolo shook his head slightly, doing his best to ignore it.

"They always run off together before their ki goes crazy like that. Must be some kind of pair-bonding ritual" Piccolo thought to himself as he held the baby. 

After a few minutes Pan began to fuss, wiggling around in Piccolo's arms. He set her down gently, keeping an eye on her as she began to crawl around on the floor under him. Pan was at the age where she could crawl and somewhat climb, and she was clearly feeling antsy after being held all day. Piccolo kept silent vigil over her; he had already changed her diaper, fed her, and put her in her bedtime clothes, but she wanted to burn off some energy before being put to bed for the night and he felt compelled to let her. There were few things in the entire universe more willful than a toddler with Saiyan blood. Piccolo himself began to doze off, the feeling of fullness combined with the late night in the quiet, warm house getting to him. His chin dipped to his chest. 

Suddenly, Piccolo heard a thud followed by screaming. 

"PAN!" Piccolo cried, his eyes shooting open. 

Piccolo ran over to Pan. She bumped her head on the lip of a nearby coffee table. Although she appeared uninjured and there was no blood, she began to scream bloody murder. Piccolo scooped Pan up into his arms and talked softly, trying to soothe her as she wailed. He then heard a series of thuds and crashes from the bedroom, followed by Videl and Gohan bursting out of the bedroom door.

"Pan! Oh Pan, honey" Videl cried as she ran to her baby.

"What's wrong?!" Gohan asked Piccolo. "Is she ok? What happened?"

Piccolo examined the sniveling Pan carefully and saw no signs of trauma, gently stroking a clawed thumb against her forehead to soothe her. "She's fine, just bumped her head on the coff-"

Piccolo's eyes widened as he looked at the two parents. Both wore nearly nothing, Videl in a silk nightie and Gohan in boxers. Both looked disheveled and flushed, breathing heavily. But what drew Piccolo's concern the most was the state Gohan appeared to be in. 

Piccolo pointed at Gohan's crotch. "Are you ok? It looks like you're swollen up or something." 

"Wha...?" Gohan asked quizzically before slowly looking down at himself. He was still sporting a full tent. He turned three different shades of red and quickly put his hands over himself. 

"SHIT!" Gohan cried, embarrassed beyond belief. "Sorry, sorry! I'll, uh, be right back" 

Gohan stammered a string of apologies as he turned on his heel and half-ran back to the bedroom to put more clothes on. Videl held Pan with her mouth open, stunned. Even Pan stopped crying, pausing to stare at Piccolo as well. After the reality of what just happened set in, Videl's face turned as red as her husband's. She put her free hand to her face and began to wheeze from barely contained laughter. Piccolo began to blush purple himself, confused yet sensing the sudden intense awkwardness that now hung in the room. He always tried to be polite, but humans and Saiyans both had a seemingly endless list of social faux-pas that he sometimes committed without intending to. 

"W-what? Is Gohan ok?" Piccolo asked Videl. 

"Oh, Piccolo" Videl laughed, unable to keep her composure any longer. "Trust me, he's fine. You've been on Earth for all this time and have never seen that happen to a man?"

Piccolo shook his head slowly. "I have no idea what you're talking about, but I've certainly never seen Gohan look or act like that before."

"I'll spare you the details, but that's just what happens when a guy likes a girl! Now if you'll excuse me", Videl continued as she stroked Pan's aching head, "I need to tend to Pan."

Piccolo frowned. "Listen, I'm sorry about Pan getting hurt on my wa-"

"Oh no, it's fine! She's ok, it was just a little bump" Videl interrupted with a wink. "Kids are just like that. You turn your back for just five seconds and they get into all sorts of trouble. She's tough stuff - don't forget who her parents are!"

Piccolo was relieved of his babysitting duties for the rest of that evening after helping Videl put the baby to bed, both parents shocked mostly into sobriety by the incident. When Gohan reemerged from the bedroom, he couldn't look Piccolo in the eye. Feeling uncomfortable, Piccolo said his goodbyes and left their home for the evening instead of spending the night as he originally intended to. The Namekian flew off, heading towards one of the most desolate locations he could think of; a secluded dry ravine, barren and rocky.

Piccolo hovered above the ravine while cross-legged, facing the moon. His eyes were closed as he thought about the day. The Namekian had absorbed quite a bit of human culture since the day he first hatched, and even technically beforehand as the Demon King, but that night he was reminded of how alien many of their habits still were to him. He knew from the few times he watched TV that humans were obsessed with pair bonding, and logically assumed it was because they required a partner for procreation. He never gave human's mating habits more than a passing thought until he witnessed the odd change in Gohan. Seeing Gohan, the little 4-year old boy he trained, as a grown man with a child of his own would never not feel strange to Piccolo, and this night cemented just how much more grown he was. The Namekian would rather go the rest of his life without having to ever see Gohan like that again. Still, though he also thought about the day's other events, his mind kept going back to the moment when he saw Gohan "swollen." He then thought about the chicken piece he was staring at earlier.

"Namekians don't need food, as we survive only on water. Yet, we can still eat", Piccolo mused. "We also do not need to mate, as we regurgitate eggs without the need for a partner. But does that mean that my race could still..."

Piccolo shook his head. "What are you thinking?!" He chided himself. "You're no human or Saiyan! Your biology is completely different... but still...how different?" 

Piccolo thought hard with eyes closed, probing deep into the scattered remnants of knowledge left behind from Nail and Kami. Kami knew as much as Piccolo did on the subject. During Kami's time on the lookout he observed countless human relationships and romances, but he deliberately chose to avoid the particulars. And since he came to Earth as the Nameless Namekian when he was so young, he knew next to nothing about his own race. Piccolo then attempted to access Nail's knowledge and memories. Nail also knew little - there were no females, and Namekians didn't have a word for genders or even a need to identify their own until they were forced to do so after contact with alien races. A Dragon Clan member produced eggs, and Namekians lived in pseudo-family units. They could form deep bonds and even love each other, much like humans. However, he couldn't glean any knowledge about mating. Perhaps, if such a thing even existed, it was only practiced among Dragon Clan members?

Piccolo's curiosity gnawed at him. While he knew Namekians were different, they clearly shared some biological similarities with humans...or more accurately, both heavily resembled the Kais who created all life in their universe. For that reason, if they even had any, perhaps he could learn more about Namekian courtship habits through humans. He was tempted to ask Gohan, but figured it wouldn't be a good idea. The only time Piccolo ever saw Gohan that embarrassed was when, during a training session when he was still a child, he punched him too hard in the kidneys and caused him to wet himself. He didn't want to make the situation any more awkward than it already was.

Piccolo tapped his chin as he wondered who he could talk to. Dende was the only other member of his race on Earth, but he was still very young. One seemingly universal concept across the creatures he'd seen is that courtship was only practiced by adults. Besides, that was no way to talk to a god even though, through Kami, Piccolo had technically once held the position himself. Piccolo wracked his brain thinking about who out of the few people he knew to ask, before his eyes shot open. Goku! The Saiyan had been married since before Raditz arrived, over a decade ago. He was one of the least judgmental guys Piccolo knew. Goku could keep a secret, as evidenced when Trunks came from the future and informed him that he was Bulma and Vegeta's son. Most importantly, he had absolutely no sense of shame. He may not be able to answer any questions regarding Namekians but as for humans, Goku would be the perfect person to ask.

"Hm. I'll talk to him tomorrow", Piccolo thought to himself with a small nod.

The next day arrived, as beautiful, sunny and mild as the last. Goku sat in his tractor, eyes rolled to the back of his head. Immediately upon returning to Earth, Chi-chi made him go back to his old farming job. He knew that if he got the day's work over with as soon as possible he could return to training, but getting through the workday was so mind-numbingly tedious. He rumbled forward slowly on his tractor, eyes glazing over as he daydreamed about how he could improve his fighting technique.The Saiyan's eyes snapped back into focus as he sensed a familiar energy approaching. He slowed his tractor to a stop while looking up at the sky expectantly. Less than a minute later, Piccolo landed next to Goku's tractor. 

"Piccolo! Thank God, you have no idea how bored I am! What's up?" Goku shouted, waving as he hopped out of his tractor and ran over. 

Goku studied his old friend's face, noticing that he looked very ill at ease. "Uh... is everything ok? There's not another enemy about to attack us, is there?"

Piccolo shook his head. "No Goku, we're safe. I just... I need to talk to you about something. And it MUST be kept a secret. Understand?" Piccolo stated, raising his voice and baring his fangs at the end of his sentence.

"Woah! Umm, yeah sure, absolutely. Just chill!" Goku responded, throwing his hands up with palms out. "What's the matter?"

"Well, uh..um.." Piccolo shifted, clearly uncomfortable. "I am just curious about the human courtship process." He managed to say after a long, awkward silence. "What does it entail?" 

Goku' jaw dropped. "Oh, no. No way. Really? Are you asking me about the birds and the bees?"

"This has nothing to do with birds or bees" Piccolo replied, rubbing the back of his neck as he felt his cheeks burn in shame. "I just wish to understand how and why humans mate. There must be a reason besides procreation..."

"No way, man. Sorry but I had to give that speech to Gohan, then Goten. I'm no good at explaining that kind of stuff anyway" Goku replied.

"I see..." Piccolo muttered tersely. "Sorry to bother you, then. This conversation never happened."

The stoic Namekian turned with a whirl of his white cape and prepared to take off.

"Wait!" Goku called out. Piccolo paused.

"I may suck at explaining stuff like that" Goku continued, "But I know who you can talk to that's an expert on that kind of stuff!"

"Who?" Piccolo inquired without turning to face Goku.

Goku smirked. "Do you remember where Kame House is?"


	2. Chapter 2

Piccolo flew across the ocean at blazing speeds, kicking up a terrific wave of water from the force of his ki as he hurtled forward. Piccolo and Master Roshi never became particularly close, and the thought of asking the man "he" once killed about something so personal seemed like an awful idea. However, Goku was adamant that the old turtle hermit could answer all of his questions. Piccolo figured that if he disrespected Master Roshi and ruined what little friendship they had, it would be better than the same thing happening from bothering Gohan about it.

Master Roshi sat cross-legged on the floor in his beach house, leaning forward. He dabbed his sweaty brow with a napkin, grinning ear to ear. The TV in front of him blared an exercise program featuring attractive young women performing squats, leg lifts and other core-strengthening exercises.

"And one and two and one and two! Squat as low as you can! Tighten those glutes!" A cheery young woman said as she bent downward, her rear facing the camera.

"My pants are a bit tighter, young lady! Does that count?" Master Roshi talked to the screen as a trickle of blood ran down from his nose. 

"I think I'm going to be sick" Turtle groaned from the kitchen.

"Shut up! You're disturbing my morning exercises!" Master Roshi called out, shaking his fist.

Piccolo landed on the tiny island that housed the turtle hermit's pink beach house. He walked through the sand, cape dragging behind him as he silently entered the cracked-open front door.

"Oh, my!" Turtle cried upon seeing the huge, intimidating figure suddenly enter the house, quickly withdrawing into his shell.

"One more word and I'll turn you into goddamned soup!" Master Roshi yelled at Turtle without looking up. 

The turtle hermit's ki-sensing abilities were dulled by his "distraction", to the point that he only noticed someone was behind him when a shadow was cast over his TV. A chill ran up Master Roshi's spine, causing the old man to flinch. 

"Turtle, what did I just saaAAIEEE!" Master Roshi cried as he turned around, sentence trailing off into a scream as he realized the figure lurking behind him was definitely not Turtle.

Piccolo towered over him, the enormous green alien nearly tall enough for his head to scrape the ceiling. Two piercing dark eyes glared down at Master Roshi. Master Roshi's blood ran cold; for a split second he thought he was looking at Demon King Piccolo, the monster that killed his own master, the foe he failed to contain with the Mafuba technique. He then came to his senses; this was the friendly Piccolo. Relatively speaking.

"Jeeze, you scared the daylights out of me! Don't lurk behind people breathing down their necks like that, you creep!" Master Roshi snapped as he stood up. 

"Uh, s-sorry!" Piccolo stammered, stepping back.

"It's fine" Master Roshi said in a calmer tone as he casually dabbed the blood off his nose with a napkin. "Now, what can I do for you?"

Piccolo took a deep, quaking breath before asking the old hermit the same question he asked Goku. Upon hearing his inquiry, Master Roshi's eyebrows shot up so far they looked like they would leap off his face. 

"Holy shit! Really? And Goku sent you to me?!" Master Roshi asked before slapping his knee, nearly doubling over in laughter. 

From the other room, Piccolo's sensitive ears could hear Turtle chuckling at him too from within his shell. Piccolo's green face turned purple in a fierce blush; as if asking about sex wasn't embarrassing enough, he was now getting laughed at about it. He wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. 

"Well Goku may not be the sharpest bulb in the crayon box, but he was sure right about who to ask! I have explanations, diagrams, and even hours of...viewing demonstrations, if you need them."

"Really?" Piccolo asked in a tiny voice.

"Yup! Come on, sit down on the couch and relax. Turtle! Get this man a drink!" Master Roshi said. "Make yourself comfortable. In the meantime" he said, his voice growing fainter as he walked upstairs, "I'm going to go get you some very informative material..."

A minute later Turtle waddled towards the couch awkwardly with his flippers, a drink of iced tea on top of his shell. 

"Boy, you must be really desperate if you're asking Master Roshi for help!" Turtle commented as he paused in front of Piccolo, his shell acting as a drink tray.

Piccolo snatched the drink off of Turtle's shell. "Thanks for the tea", he growled.

Turtle knew when to shut up. "Y-you're welcome, sir" he stammered as he waddled away.

Master Roshi came back down the staircase with his hands full of various things - books, magazines, and DVDs. He walked over to Piccolo on the couch and dumped all of his paraphernalia on the nearby table. 

"Now let's see, where to start? I'll have you know I'm a master of more than just martial arts, heh...in fact, this is my specialty!" Master Roshi rambled as he picked his way through the pile of smut. 

"Let's see... Backdoor Babes, Special Delivery... Ah, here we go! As basic as basic gets! 'Girl Next Door 2'. This will show you the whole process and then some" the turtle hermit stated with a satisfied nod. 

Piccolo looked at the DVD cover with a grimace. A young woman with enormous breasts stood, her ass facing the viewer with her hands spreading her cheeks open.

"Her rear appears to be abnormally large" The confused Namekian noted. "Do females swell their rear to entice the males, much like the males swell between their legs?"

"Nope... not without surgery, anyway" Master Roshi muttered. 

The turtle hermit popped the DVD into the player and sat back, rubbing his wrinkled old hands together. Piccolo sat hunched forward, both arms and legs crossed. The entire situation felt incredibly wrong, but at the same time he was relieved that someone was finally answering his questions. 

The movie opened to a beautiful young woman with her red hair in two braids, wearing nothing but stilettos. She twirled the end of a braid with one finger while looking at the camera, smiling. Funky music began to play.  


"Oh, what's a girl to do? I'm sooo horny and there isn't any good dick around!" 

Piccolo rubbed his chin, heavy brows furrowed. This woman claimed that she was horned, yet he didn't see any sharp protuberances. Perhaps she was warning unsuitable mating candidates she was not interested and that her hidden horns would reveal themselves and stab them. As the video progressed, he found himself with more and more questions.

The porn proceeded to feature vaginal penetration, fingering, anal and other sexual scenes. The longer the video went on, the queasier Piccolo felt. Each scene was more disgusting than the last, yet the humans on the screen appeared to be enjoying themselves. To his growing horror, the moans and cries they made were similar to the noises Gohan and Videl made occasionally whenever they were alone in their bedroom together. With his incredibly sensitive ears Piccolo always heard the pair, but he did not know what those noises meant until now. Perhaps he was better off not knowing the particulars after all. 

"Well, that's the film!" Master Roshi said as he popped the DVD out of the player. "A classic. What did you think? Did that girl make you feel anything special?"

"Nauseous, maybe" Piccolo replied, pale and shaken. "I had no idea human mating involved so many bodily fluids."

"The girl didn't make you feel anything? Nothing for those gorgeous tits, that perfect ass, that fiery red hair?!" Master Roshi asked, shocked that the film had no effect on Piccolo.

"No" Piccolo responded, averting his eyes in shame.

"Your standards must be pretty high, then. That chick's a 10 out of 10 by Earth standards! Maybe it's because Earthling girls can't hold a candle to Namekian ladies. Tell me, what are they like?" Master Roshi asked, getting in Piccolo's face.  


"Are they green? Are they sexy? Do they have 3 tits?" Master Roshi said with his face getting nearer and nearer to Piccolo until the old man's beard tickled his chin. 

"We don't HAVE females!" Piccolo snarled as he forced Master Roshi's face away with his hand. 

Master Roshi paused, gaping. His glasses slid down his nose, revealing eyes wide with shock.

"Come again? No females?!" The turtle hermit exclaimed. 

Piccolo nodded silently.

"Good lord! A world without tits... you poor bastards" Master Roshi continued, his mind still blown by the concept. 

Piccolo shut his eyes so that Master Roshi couldn't see him rolling them. 

"You know that we spit eggs when the time has come to produce young" Piccolo informed the turtle hermit. "However, that is only able to be done by members of the Dragon Clan. Like Kami, or Dende. Warrior types, like me, cannot produce eggs."

"And you call human reproduction weird? You puke eggs! That's just freaky... um, no offense" Master Roshi added awkwardly. "But if your species spits out eggs and has no girls, then sex is probably not a thing they engage in either. So... why do you care about all this?" He asked. "I mean, not that I wouldn't do the same thing in your shoes after learning about girls and boobs, but still..."

Piccolo gazed out the window, watching a palm tree gently sway in the sea breeze. It was easier to look away from people's faces when he was discussing this subject.

"Namekians don't need to eat, either; we subsist entirely on water. Yet, I can still eat." Piccolo responded after an awkward pause. "That made me wonder. If I can eat, although eating isn't necessary, is it possible to do other things that humans do..."

"...like fucking. It all makes sense now" Master Roshi stated, stroking his beard in thought. "Well, here's what I think" the old man continued, leaning back on the couch. "Seeing girls didn't make you feel all tingly, so that's out. If your race has no girls and everyone's shaped roughly like you, then it's a race of only men. If a race of only men were to mate, then it would be like...oh."

"What?" Piccolo asked.

Master Roshi's brows furrowed. "I have an idea, but it's... completely out of the realm of my expertise. What I just showed you was the typical for some humans but if you want to learn about how to apply that knowledge to Nameks, I think you're barking up the wrong tree! We're gonna have to make a visit to a special place to get what I'm thinking of."

"What the hell are you on about?" Piccolo demanded, becoming agitated by Master Roshi's vague answers.

The turtle hermit grinned. "Well you see, humans have different 'mating strategies' too. It doesn't have to always be a guy and a girl. Sometimes, it's two guys! And considering you hail from a race of just guys, that is probably much closer to your kind's sex habits. If they have any at all, that is."

Piccolo blinked in surprise. He scratched his turban.

"Wha...how does that even work?"

Master Roshi rose to his feet. "I think another video demonstration is in order, but that kind of thing is not a part of my...archive. Ready for a trip to town?"

Piccolo blanched. He hated interacting with anyone not in the group of Z-fighters. Even though no one remembered his past life as the Demon King, he was still seven foot tall, green and fanged. People still thought he was a monster. Still, he had come this far and Master Roshi seemed to understand his plight. If he wanted to get to the bottom of this, he had no choice.

Piccolo stood, growling. "Fine."

Master Roshi strode confidently into town, heading towards a place he'd visited many times before. Sulking behind him, glaring daggers at anyone who dared to look at him, was Piccolo. He hated crowds and hated being gawked at; while he'd regularly run errands for Chi-Chi and Videl, he could never get used to walking through town trying to act normal while people treated him like a freak. The crowd of people Master Roshi and Piccolo walked into parted like the Red Sea as people scrambled to get out of the way of the tall, hulking green figure. 

"Hah, would you look at that!" Master Roshi crowed as he strode forward happily. "I should bring you to town with me more often!"

"We are never doing this again" Piccolo snarled in response.

Master Roshi just laughed as the two continued on. In time, the crowd thinned out as the two exited the town's busy market square and made their way towards a dingy alley. 

"Here we are!" The turtle hermit said as he walked up to a tiny, rickety storefront. 

The windows were barred and tinted, making it impossible to see inside. It almost made Piccolo nervous, until he reminded himself that he could wipe the entire town off the map with a single ki blast. Master Roshi swung the door open and walked inside, Piccolo being forced to duck before he could follow him in. The second Piccolo entered the store, the scent of incense and stale cigarettes hit him. The dimly lit store was lined wall-to-wall with videos, magazines, and sex toys. The smell, the sights all felt incredibly sleazy. The Namekian felt gross just being there. He wasn't sure if his mind was just playing tricks on him, but he could swear that deep inside he could hear Kami screaming. 

"Hey there, you old bastard!" A raspy voice called out from behind the store's counter. 

"Hey!" Master Roshi replied with a laugh, waving. 

"How's my favorite customer?" The man from behind the counter continued with a smile. "If you're here for the usual, we got some new stock in that's right up your alley."

Master Roshi's brows raised. "Hot damn where is-I mean no, no. I'm not here today for me... I'm here for him" the turtle hermit stated, pointing at Piccolo.

Piccolo cast an unblinking glare at the store owner, who cowered behind the counter.

"Ah, h-h-hello there, sir!" The man managed to squeak. 

Piccolo sucked his teeth and looked away.

"I'm, ah, not sure what your big friend is into but let me know if you need any help" the store owner said with a nervous smile. 

"We actually could use your help, considering this gentleman's tastes are... pretty different from mine" the turtle hermit said as he walked up to the counter. 

Master Roshi leaned in and whispered into the store clerk's ear, too low for anyone else to hear but easily picked up by the Namekian's superior hearing.

"Uh, this is DEFINITELY for him and not me, I swear, but... where's your guy-on-guy stuff?" 

The store clerk's eyes widened. He looked over at Piccolo, who was staring with equal fascination and horror at a big, neon pink vibrator. He poked the "Try Me!" button on its package, flinching as it buzzed and lit up. 

"Uh... sure. Follow me." The clerk exited the counter and led the two men to the gay male isle.

Master Roshi appeared visibly uncomfortable as he looked at the videos, making Piccolo feel even worse. The Namekian didn't understand why the old man went from being so seemingly gung-ho to sheepish.

"I can't help you too much here honestly, because I don't like guys and don't know what makes one video better than the other" Master Roshi stated.

"You know more than I do when it comes to this. Just... just grab one, any one, and let's get the hell out of here!" Piccolo half whispered.

Master Roshi scanned the aisle as quickly as he could before pointing one out. "Here, this one looks fairly basic. Uh... you grab it."

"Me?! Ugh, why?" Piccolo responded. He didn't know why, but he didn't even want to touch anything in the store. As if it were more moral just to gawk at it.

"What if a beautiful young lady walked into the store and saw me holding gay videos?" Master Roshi asked, hands on his hips as he craned his neck upwards to look at the Namekian. "She could get the wrong idea and think I'm not into girls like her, and I'd miss my chance to date her forever! The risk is too great - you do it."

Piccolo snatched up the DVD the Turtle Hermit pointed to with a sigh of annoyance, not wanting to get into an argument in the middle of the store. The two men then went to the counter. Piccolo handed the man a handful of Zeni; Gohan insisted on paying him whenever he helped with Pan for an extended amount of time, despite Piccolo not needing or caring about Earthling money, which caused him to save a considerable amount.

"S-sir... it's only $14.99" the clerk stuttered as he stared at the large pile of money on the counter.

"I don't care. Take it" Piccolo stated.

"Well, thank you very much for your generous donation of store credit! Now excuse me while I pick up some more videos to even out the value" Master Roshi said quickly before speeding off towards his favorite aisle.

The shopkeeper laughed and took the money, applying it as store credit. "Well, if you insist..."

Shortly afterwards, Piccolo and Master Roshi exited the store. Piccolo carried the one video he had picked out in a discreet brown bag, while Master Roshi weaved as he walked from carrying a tall stack of DVDs. Piccolo growled deeply as he briefly sniffed a piece of his cloak.

"That place smelled like a damn ashtray, and now I do too. This had better be worth it", the Namekian uttered in a threatening tone.

"You bet your green ass it was!" Master Roshi laughed, tickled pink that he was able to add to his own stash in the process of helping Piccolo out.

The two walked until they reached the edge of town, a small strip of beach right before the vast ocean where the Kame House island was located. Master Roshi turned to face Piccolo, barely able to keep hold of the large stack of DVDs he bought with the Namekian's money.

"Now listen here. I'm not gonna watch that new video with you - you're on your own now. Watch it, see if you like it. You should have an idea on how sex works for people now, though I obviously can't help you learn more about how your own race handles that kind of thing. If girls didn't do it for you, maybe this will. Good luck!"

Piccolo folded his arms and watched Master Roshi awkwardly climb onto his mount, Baby Gamera. The old man then "flew" away, desperately clinging to his DVDs as the Gamera spun off rapidly. The Namekian stood for some time, silently watching the waves lap the shore. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to know the answers to his questions now.

That afternoon Piccolo sat at the home of Gohan's family with the DVD he picked out, gripping its edges so hard that it nearly snapped in half. He erupted in a cold sweat as he sat on the couch, facing the Son family's TV. Despite no one being home, or even within range of his superb hearing, he still felt as if he were being watched. As if an entire audience of eyes were staring at him, judging him for the choices that led him there. He already knew that a deep part of his conscious condemned his actions, leading him to wonder if this curiosity came entirely from the Demon King portion of his personality. He silently wondered if such shame came from the lingering echo of Kami's conscience; before fusing, Piccolo couldn't give a damn what anyone thought of him or what he was doing. It was not until that exact moment that he truly understood the shame Gohan felt when Piccolo pointed to his crotch. The Namekian had felt embarrassment before, plenty of times, but it was never coupled with this feeling that he was doing something filthy and wrong. 

Piccolo sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. He was afforded a rare opportunity on this day. Gohan was at work as usual but Videl, being a housewife, was almost never out of the home for extended periods of time. Today, she and Pan went shopping. Master Roshi had warned Piccolo not to let the family catch him viewing the video, and after remembering the intense awkwardness from the night before, he understood why.

"You've faced threats that can destroy entire galaxies, yet you're scared of a goddamned tape?!" Piccolo talked to himself. "That's just pathetic. It's not like it can hurt you or anything. If you don't like it, shut it off. Destroy it afterwards regardless. No one will ever know except for the turtle hermit, and my secret's safe with him..." 

The Namekian's hands quaked, and he was now sweating profusely. Ridiculous. "Just get it over with...it's now or never" Piccolo said to himself.

In one swift motion Piccolo put the DVD in its player and sat back on the couch with one hand on the remote, ready to shut it off at a moment's notice if anyone walked in. After a few credits played over a selection of scenes shot cheaper than a local car commercial, the screen faded into a young blonde man sitting on a couch. The man was slim yet muscular, with a twink's build. The tv character sat on the couch naked, holding a remote much like Piccolo himself was doing. The Namekian was unimpressed.

"This male's muscles are pathetic. He looks like he couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag" the Namekian muttered, slipping into the habit of sizing everyone up for battle rather than focusing on the actor's more appealing assets. "Then again... remember how puny Frieza's final form appeared. Perhaps this young human actually possesses great power."

The young actor flipped channels on his TV until stopping when the screen showed a handsome black male with long dreads and a more muscular build. The male then came out of the TV with a cheesy CGI effect and crawled onto the couch with the blond twink. Piccolo's heavy brows raised in surprise. The special effect was laughable, but the Namekian watched very little TV and had never seen an effect like that before. To him, it looked like magic. The two men then began to make out as music similar to Master Roshi's porno kicked in. Piccolo watched with brows creased, rubbing his chin in thought as a faint purple blush began to spread across his cheeks. He now understood why the turtle hermit wanted him to watch this video.

"Apparently gender doesn't matter, as these two human males are behaving exactly like the male and female did in the last video with each other. Fascinating."

Piccolo continued to study the two men as they kissed and licked each other's bodies. Suddenly, a light shudder raced through him as he felt a reflexive twitch between his legs. 

"Guh. What the hell was that?!" Piccolo asked aloud. He scanned the area with his eyes one last time to make sure no one was around. Then, sheepishly, the confused Namekian stretched his waistband and peeked down at himself. Sure enough, there was a slight change. 

Piccolo's green face paled. He felt a turbulent mix of emotions. 

"So it's true, then. It must be possible to feel the same way the humans do...even as a Warrior-type" Piccolo said to himself, frowning. "My kind have evolved beyond the need for solid food, for mating. Yet the ability to do so must still be within us. Perhaps it was how our species survived long ago until we evolved the ability to...heh, listen to yourself. You sound like Gohan" he continued with a rueful smirk.

It was only when he reflected on his emotions that he realized how strange he felt.

'My heart beats faster...why? There is no threat.' Piccolo thought to himself silently, ignoring the video altogether. 'I feel tense all of a sudden; almost like right before a fight. Damn. I could blow up a mountain right now' he frowned, sweating and bouncing a leg nervously.

The Namekian remembered Master Roshi talking about the purpose of these lewd videos, how men were able to "blow off steam" without a willing partner around by touching themselves while watching.The mere thought of doing so made Piccolo cringe hard. Yet, as the video continued, the strange anxious tension within him grew.

"Humans inflict this awful feeling on themselves? On purpose?!" Piccolo wondered aloud. "I'll never understand them after all..."

He then thought about what Master Roshi said again. How he told him how to do it and that people also touch other sensitive parts of their bodies during the act. Piccolo himself had no nipples, and his hearing was too sensitive to enjoy any play related to his ears. He then realized that he did indeed have a sensitive body part; his antennae. The whole reason he wore a turban in the first place was to protect the sensitive organs from his opponents, who could cause him great pain if they grabbed his antennae hard enough. 

Piccolo slipped off his turban, damp with his anxious sweat. His antennae sprang out from under his headgear. One hand reached for an antenna, then paused. He hadn't played with his antennae since he was a newly-hatched child; it seemed exceedingly juvenile, like playing with one's fingers. Still, the turtle hermit was right about everything else so far and maybe it would feel different as an adult. Piccolo gently took an antenna and rolled it between his thumb and index finger. A lightning-quick shock flew through his skull, down his spine and into his groin, causing him to grunt through gritted teeth. He immediately stopped in surprise, staring at his own hand with a wide-eyed expression. 

"Okay, that felt NOTHING like when I was a kid." 

Piccolo stopped and sat back,half-watching the lewd video while sorting through his deeply uncomfortable feelings. Touching his own antenna felt nice in a strange way, calming yet exciting at the same time. He felt like continuing, like when he first tasted a meal he really liked. A deep part of his soul balked at these new feelings; just like ingesting food for taste instead of water for sustenance, he was currently engaging in pointless self-indulgence. Still, he wished to explore these strange new feelings for the same reason that he first tried to eat like humans did many years ago - curiosity. He had been exploring this odd planet and how it related to him since before he was even born again as Jr. Despite this, he had never given mating a second thought until he saw Gohan that night. 

Piccolo realized that even though Gohan was a close friend, it wasn't seeing the change happen to him in particular that sparked his curiosity. What must have done it was seeing the whole picture for the first time - the romance between him and Videl, the intimate closeness, the couple bonded to the point where they could function as one unit. It wasn't until then that the concept of lust even made sense. He still felt the entire concept was totally alien, but the alien was slowly beginning to understand it. 

The Namekian resumed playing with one antenna while watching the video, feeling more relaxed as his shame and doubt became slowly overwhelmed by the exciting new feelings awakened within him. His hand slipped down his pants without even realizing it and after a slight pause to think, he tried to do what he saw the man do in the final scene of the porno he watched with the turtle hermit. The effect was almost immediate. Piccolo moaned through gritted teeth as his other hand stopped playing with his antenna, balling into a fist. His eyes closed as he focused inward, the tension he felt earlier turning into a steadily building pressure. He was vaguely aware of a noise outside, but paid it no mind as he focused instead on listening to the video that was playing.  


Just as the pressure within grew to be nearly unbearable, the front door swung open. Piccolo's eyes popped open as he gasped in surprise. His shaking hand grabbed the remote and tried desperately to turn off the video, but it wasn't working as the batteries were dead. In a panic his other hand opened and faced the TV, palm out, as a ki blast blew a hole through the screen. Videl cried out in surprise at the sound and dropped her shopping bags, running over to the couch where Piccolo sat.

"Oh no, what happened?! Piccolo, are you okay?!" Videl cried.

Piccolo took deep, quaking breaths as he quickly put his open hand down. He slowly looked at the smoking mess he just made, then at Videl's concerned face.

"Um... I'm fine, thanks. The technology of your species is just terrible, though" Piccolo said as he hastily put his turban back on. "I was watching a show when the screen just... blew up somehow. Must have blown a fuse."

"Hmmm..." Videl said, giving Piccolo a funny look. Her expression reminded him of when they first met, when she was still a sassy teenager. "You know, one day Gohan was on the computer and his monitor suddenly blew up when I walked in, too." 

Videl walked over to her dropped groceries, muttering as she bent down to pick them up. "Maybe we need an electrician, because there sure is a lot of 'fuse blowing' in this place..."

Piccolo stood silently, walking over to help her with the groceries while refusing to look up from his own feet.

"I'll clean it up."


End file.
